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Saturday, November 14, 2009

What Is A Successful Marriage?

What is a successful marriage? Marriage defined by Merriam Webster is the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband and wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. In Malachi it says that it is a holy covenant before God.

A successful marriage is defined by what each individual couple’s perspective is on this. It could be any level of things from the mutual respect, intimacy, no one leaving the other, still living in the same house, not divorced or whatever it may be. How do you define this?

One of the first things you have to look at or ask yourself is why did I or why do you get married? Do you get married for physical pleasures, selfish reasons to be one with the other person, because you are lonely, you were forced to, your biological clock was ticking, for the sake of the kids, what is it or was it? A lot of people get married for a lot of different reasons and motives and a lot of time they are not the right reasons. A lot of people go into this seeking a way out. If he/she wrongs me I can just get out. That’s why it is important to know the person that you are marrying before you go into it and to go into it for the long haul. Most vows include the phrase in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health until death do us part. That’s why it’s important to seek Godly counseling and not just say I’m going into this because of feelings, because feelings are fickle and they tend to change.

Some say they have changed meaning the person once we got married. Well everyone does. Are you the same person that you were five, ten even fifteen years ago? During this time life happens and you either roll with the punches or get swallowed up by life’s trials, tribulations, circumstances and situations. This in turn can effect, affect or infect your marriage.

We have to know our roles in marriage. The bible told the men dwell with them according to knowledge and to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. He told the women to Reverence meaning respect your husbands. Now why did he just not tell both parties to do this equally towards one another, because God knew that each party needed something different to sustain them. He knew to men, Love is viewed as respect and one of the worse things you can do is disrespect a man and make him feel like he is worthless or nothing. To a woman, we are emotional and we need to be showed loved and have that time spent with us. The man needs to give his all for us. Be willing to die for his family. These things may seem simple to some or hard to others and can be attained the more you strengthen your own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. NO marriage goes without problems, trials, tribulations and issues. It all depends on how you deal with those issues when they arise. Marriage is oneness and a whole lot of work. You have to look at your communication, love, respect, care, trust and support of one another. Are you helping each other to grow or are you hindering that person’s growth? Are you supportive with there dreams, are you sensitive to there needs.

Women we were made to be help meets for our husbands. They were put on the earth first. God said it is not good for man to be alone and I will make him a help meet. We were made to come along side and support him. Be there help meet. Not to usurp there authority or try to take there roles. Even tho the word says we will have a desire to since that was one of the curses and we are sometimes left to take on those roles. You may have or think you have a successful marriage and that is great. I would liken a marriage to a fruit tree. What kind of fruit is your tree yielding? Is it good or bad? Do you verbally, mentally or physically abuse the other or are being abused? Now we can be angry but the Word says sin not. Do you love unconditionally your spouse? Or is it on a conditional basis and what you are benefiting from the relationship or the lack there of. You may say well I have been married 10, 20 even 30 years that has to be successful. Is your marriage flourishing? Are you growing? Do you love them like the first day you met? Are you happy, or are you just existing? Is this success?

Success defined is a favorable or desired outcome. There are two major reasons why people split, romance and finance. Some say they are splitting because of irreconcilable differences. What is that. Ok you have grown apart over the years. Why because of life. You spend majority of your time taking care of your children, going to work and your own personal activities or hobbies. Where is the time for your mate? Or maybe you are home centered and trying to do all of these things. Do you all talk, do you make the time to go out, spend any time together? Has your marriage become one sided? Have you become selfish and it has become all about you when you all are one. Could this be contributing to your problems? Now a marriage does take two people. The responsibility of making it work does not solely rely on one person. Both parties have to be willing and contributing to making this work. Sometimes we are doing our part and people are taking advantage of us but hang in there, don’t give up. Pray about it. It’s easy to become complacent which a lot of times happens to all of us, and a lot of times we say oh well if they’re not thinking about it then neither am I. We have to make sure we don’t find ourselves putting not putting our best feet forward.

You are always getting to know the other person the same way we are always growing as individuals, things are constantly changing. You make your marriage what you want it to be. A successful marriage….do you have one, are you working towards one, to me it’s a work in progress.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Finding The Balance Between Your Children And Your Husband

If you are married and have children the question probably has ran across your mind more than once or twice. How do I find the balance between my husband and my children? If you are a working or stay at home mom the challenges and frustrations of home and raising your family is always there. There are just not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. The fact of the matter is, even if we had more time in the day there still would not be enough time because we would just fill it with doing something else. So what do I do?

There are just so many things that a woman, wife, and mother are responsible for. We think the main and most important is taking care of our children in fact we would jump off a bridge for them and this is an important role but the main role is making sure that your husband is taken are of. The marriage was the first thing that God ordained long before Adam and Eve had children. They were alone just the two of them and GOD. We were given to be a help meet to our husbands which in turns makes us the home makers. So the question still is what do I do?

You have been to work all day too or have been at home dealing with the children all the issues, Dr appointments, homework, laundry and the list goes on and on and on top of that you have to have dinner ready for him when he comes and you are exhausted and the last thing you want to do is be bothered with him even remotely asking or suggesting being intimate. Yea right. Lots of time you or he are either asleep before the other comes to bed. You rarely have time to talk because when you both get home you are still busy doing things and stuff. Your husband might sit down in front of the TV, watch sports, play video games and that’s the most of it and then tomorrow it’s the same thing all over again. Sooner or later you’ll wake up and it’s a year two three or five years later and you all are drifting apart because you have not taken the time to invest in each other.

A marriage like everything else is work. It is the most rewarding thing outside of having children. The Bible says it was not good for man to be alone that’s why he created the woman. And with that there was fulfillment. Remember you took those vows in good times and in bad times till death do you part. A lot of times we overlook those vows which causes divorce, adultery and rift in the family. If the parents are not happy the children can’t be happy. And the children wind up paying the price for it. Adultery is interesting why because you go outside your marriage seeking what you should be getting from your marriage. This also causes tension and arguments and soon you are at each other throats. Where is the love that you had that caused you to get married in the first place? What happened to the dates, the wooing, the surprises, the trips etc. does that all disappear just because you have kids now? Certainly not, well it should not but it happens. The parents are the basis of the family besides God. If they are at odds in the home there cannot be peace.

Love is an action a verb. How do we know someone loves us if they don’t show it? This happens in marriage when we just become use to each other. We become complacent and expect the other one knows how we feel. It has to be time spent, actions. You know that phrase actions speak louder than words.

We have to learn to become interested in what our spouses are interested in likewise it has to be that on both sides. Just one idea to spend time together. Build anticipation and enthusiasm. There are countless forms of communication these days. Send them a text an e-mail or something just saying I’m thinking about you etc. Get back to the dating of your mate. We did not date to marry we married to date. Go to the movies, out to dinner make that once or twice a month date night. Make a schedule if you have to so you can be intimate. You need this. Go away for a weekend just you two. Get a baby sitter for them kids. There is nothing wrong with that. There are millions of ways to spend that time together without spending money. After you put the kids to bed curl up on the sofa together and watch a movie. Sacrifice that sleep for the sake of your marriage. Schedule it, schedule it, schedule it, if you have to. I can’t stress enough you have to make time for each other. It’s sad to say a lot of times if you won’t somebody else will. You have to make time in your day like you make time for everything else like your job, talking on the phone or doing something for yourself. Now I know there are some jobs you have to bring your work home sometimes. Not all the time. Leave the work at work. Home is suppose to be your peace. Your place of comfort.

This is not to say we ignore our kids or give any thing less to them because we are there first form of learning and we are helping to mold and shape them to be productive people in society. They need our attention our ears to listen to them our support with things they are going though. They need us. But your spouse needs you to. They also learn from us as to how they should in turn treat there spouses when they grow up by watching our example. The question is what example are you being? Will they learn to be loving or abusive mentally and physically? What type of person will they choose to be with from there examples YOU.

There can be balance for everything. You have to make it work for you. You can’t sit back and say what the other person is or is not doing. You have to do your part. Remember that which you invest in you value more.