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Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Trust! Do you have it?

Trust. It means so many things to so many different people yet it all comes down to the same thing. Do you trust people? Do you trust yourself? Do you find it hard or easy to trust? What is trust? Do you trust your mate, your spouse, or your children? How can you get trust back once it is violated? All relevant questions. You may think you trust when you really don’t or you have been violated so many times that you find it hard to trust any one any more. Is that fair to them? Is that fair to yourself? Trust is an assured reliance on the character, ability, strength or truth of someone or something; one in which confidence is placed.

We trust when we go to work that at the end of two weeks we will get a pay check right? Why is it so easy to trust that but we don’t even trust the people that we sit next to every day. Maybe because we as imperfect people tend to let others down who have these expectations of us. The only one who can never let us down is Jesus. He said he will never leave us or forsake us.

We as women we have a hard time trusting other women. This may be because we have been down a road that we have been scared so many times and you don’t want to open up for fear people may use things against you. Well can’t a male do the same thing? We as women go off of our emotions and we say you can do it to me once but I will never put myself in a position for that to happen to me again. This makes us close ourselves off. But lets be real. We look at other women as a threat. Maybe you think she is prettier than you or is more successful than you or whatever the situation maybe or you say its something about her I just don’t like and you look at most women cross eyed because you think they are after your man. This is not necessarily false all of the time but we can not close our selves off to one another because the adversary knows that there are strength in numbers and that is exactly what he wants us to do. And not everyone is after your man. We are the home makers and we draw strength one from another. The Word says in the multitude of counsel there is safety. How can we get the counsel we need when we don’t even want to let people in.

This is why we have a hard time trusting our mates. We see where so many people get burned or you have had that happened to you to where the least little thing you are suspect of. A lot of times you have every right to be and people do give us a reason to not trust them. Now if you have caught your mate or significant other being untruthful or lying or with someone else that is one thing but you have to give everyone the benefit of the doubt because not everyone is a liar and is looking to get over on you. When we get married we trust that the other person has our best interest at heart. You cannot spend your entire relationship looking over your shoulder or being skeptical about everything because that will only make you crazy.

How do you know you have trust issues. Do you find yourselves constantly looking through the other persons things? Not saying we can never look because in a relationship everything should be open and honest. Do you find yourself constantly questioning there every move? Do you find yourself constantly making yourself crazy trying to keep up with them. Or maybe you have a hard time trusting them because you know what you did, what you are doing or what you are capable of. This is why it is so important that we are on the same page as our mates. The Bible says how can two walk together except they agree. When you are on the same page and you know your mate has a real fear of the Lord than it is easy to trust. Look at it this way the Lord trust us enough to bring all of out tithes in the storehouse unlike the government when they just take the money out your check off of the top.

How do you get trust back once it is violated? Can you ever get it back? This is one of the hardest things to ever get back. We don’t want to say you will never trust someone or something again because we are called to forgive everyone seventy times seventy times in a day. But this will take a lot of effort and time and the person who violated it has to understand that and respect that. But it can be restored eventually. But who’s to say you are wrong if you can never fully trust that person again. With every choice there is a consequence that’s why we have to think before we act. If you were a thief or did an unthinkable crime or cheated you may never be able to get this back. Those are choices that you have to live with. Trust and forgiveness are two separate things although they work hand in hand.

The next question is do your trust the Lord with your whole heart? The Bible tells us to trust in the Lord with all thine heart and lean not unto our own understanding and in all our ways acknowledge him and He shall direct our paths. This is sometimes easier said than done. A lot of times we trust in our own abilities, intelligence, strength and charisma to get us through or trials, challenges and to fix what ever problems that may arise or to get us those things that we want or desire. It is so easy to say we trust in God but do we really? When the going gets tough do we try to fix things on our own or do we give what we are facing over to the Lord and trust that he will fix it. When we find ourselves down to our last dime and we don’t know how we are going to pay our bills or eat do we trust God enough to provide for us like his word says he will? We should be able to trust God with everything. From our relationships, to our money, to our children and our jobs. Our whole lives. We should likewise be able to trust our spouses with everything as well.

Trust is the basis of any relationship. If you have no trust than how do you have a relationship. Once this is broken you may never get it back that’s why you have to do whatever it takes to never violate it in this first place.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

What Is A Successful Marriage?

What is a successful marriage? Marriage defined by Merriam Webster is the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband and wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. In Malachi it says that it is a holy covenant before God.

A successful marriage is defined by what each individual couple’s perspective is on this. It could be any level of things from the mutual respect, intimacy, no one leaving the other, still living in the same house, not divorced or whatever it may be. How do you define this?

One of the first things you have to look at or ask yourself is why did I or why do you get married? Do you get married for physical pleasures, selfish reasons to be one with the other person, because you are lonely, you were forced to, your biological clock was ticking, for the sake of the kids, what is it or was it? A lot of people get married for a lot of different reasons and motives and a lot of time they are not the right reasons. A lot of people go into this seeking a way out. If he/she wrongs me I can just get out. That’s why it is important to know the person that you are marrying before you go into it and to go into it for the long haul. Most vows include the phrase in good times and in bad times, in sickness and in health until death do us part. That’s why it’s important to seek Godly counseling and not just say I’m going into this because of feelings, because feelings are fickle and they tend to change.

Some say they have changed meaning the person once we got married. Well everyone does. Are you the same person that you were five, ten even fifteen years ago? During this time life happens and you either roll with the punches or get swallowed up by life’s trials, tribulations, circumstances and situations. This in turn can effect, affect or infect your marriage.

We have to know our roles in marriage. The bible told the men dwell with them according to knowledge and to love your wife as Christ loved the Church. He told the women to Reverence meaning respect your husbands. Now why did he just not tell both parties to do this equally towards one another, because God knew that each party needed something different to sustain them. He knew to men, Love is viewed as respect and one of the worse things you can do is disrespect a man and make him feel like he is worthless or nothing. To a woman, we are emotional and we need to be showed loved and have that time spent with us. The man needs to give his all for us. Be willing to die for his family. These things may seem simple to some or hard to others and can be attained the more you strengthen your own personal relationship with Jesus Christ. NO marriage goes without problems, trials, tribulations and issues. It all depends on how you deal with those issues when they arise. Marriage is oneness and a whole lot of work. You have to look at your communication, love, respect, care, trust and support of one another. Are you helping each other to grow or are you hindering that person’s growth? Are you supportive with there dreams, are you sensitive to there needs.

Women we were made to be help meets for our husbands. They were put on the earth first. God said it is not good for man to be alone and I will make him a help meet. We were made to come along side and support him. Be there help meet. Not to usurp there authority or try to take there roles. Even tho the word says we will have a desire to since that was one of the curses and we are sometimes left to take on those roles. You may have or think you have a successful marriage and that is great. I would liken a marriage to a fruit tree. What kind of fruit is your tree yielding? Is it good or bad? Do you verbally, mentally or physically abuse the other or are being abused? Now we can be angry but the Word says sin not. Do you love unconditionally your spouse? Or is it on a conditional basis and what you are benefiting from the relationship or the lack there of. You may say well I have been married 10, 20 even 30 years that has to be successful. Is your marriage flourishing? Are you growing? Do you love them like the first day you met? Are you happy, or are you just existing? Is this success?

Success defined is a favorable or desired outcome. There are two major reasons why people split, romance and finance. Some say they are splitting because of irreconcilable differences. What is that. Ok you have grown apart over the years. Why because of life. You spend majority of your time taking care of your children, going to work and your own personal activities or hobbies. Where is the time for your mate? Or maybe you are home centered and trying to do all of these things. Do you all talk, do you make the time to go out, spend any time together? Has your marriage become one sided? Have you become selfish and it has become all about you when you all are one. Could this be contributing to your problems? Now a marriage does take two people. The responsibility of making it work does not solely rely on one person. Both parties have to be willing and contributing to making this work. Sometimes we are doing our part and people are taking advantage of us but hang in there, don’t give up. Pray about it. It’s easy to become complacent which a lot of times happens to all of us, and a lot of times we say oh well if they’re not thinking about it then neither am I. We have to make sure we don’t find ourselves putting not putting our best feet forward.

You are always getting to know the other person the same way we are always growing as individuals, things are constantly changing. You make your marriage what you want it to be. A successful marriage….do you have one, are you working towards one, to me it’s a work in progress.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Finding The Balance Between Your Children And Your Husband

If you are married and have children the question probably has ran across your mind more than once or twice. How do I find the balance between my husband and my children? If you are a working or stay at home mom the challenges and frustrations of home and raising your family is always there. There are just not enough hours in the day to accomplish everything. The fact of the matter is, even if we had more time in the day there still would not be enough time because we would just fill it with doing something else. So what do I do?

There are just so many things that a woman, wife, and mother are responsible for. We think the main and most important is taking care of our children in fact we would jump off a bridge for them and this is an important role but the main role is making sure that your husband is taken are of. The marriage was the first thing that God ordained long before Adam and Eve had children. They were alone just the two of them and GOD. We were given to be a help meet to our husbands which in turns makes us the home makers. So the question still is what do I do?

You have been to work all day too or have been at home dealing with the children all the issues, Dr appointments, homework, laundry and the list goes on and on and on top of that you have to have dinner ready for him when he comes and you are exhausted and the last thing you want to do is be bothered with him even remotely asking or suggesting being intimate. Yea right. Lots of time you or he are either asleep before the other comes to bed. You rarely have time to talk because when you both get home you are still busy doing things and stuff. Your husband might sit down in front of the TV, watch sports, play video games and that’s the most of it and then tomorrow it’s the same thing all over again. Sooner or later you’ll wake up and it’s a year two three or five years later and you all are drifting apart because you have not taken the time to invest in each other.

A marriage like everything else is work. It is the most rewarding thing outside of having children. The Bible says it was not good for man to be alone that’s why he created the woman. And with that there was fulfillment. Remember you took those vows in good times and in bad times till death do you part. A lot of times we overlook those vows which causes divorce, adultery and rift in the family. If the parents are not happy the children can’t be happy. And the children wind up paying the price for it. Adultery is interesting why because you go outside your marriage seeking what you should be getting from your marriage. This also causes tension and arguments and soon you are at each other throats. Where is the love that you had that caused you to get married in the first place? What happened to the dates, the wooing, the surprises, the trips etc. does that all disappear just because you have kids now? Certainly not, well it should not but it happens. The parents are the basis of the family besides God. If they are at odds in the home there cannot be peace.

Love is an action a verb. How do we know someone loves us if they don’t show it? This happens in marriage when we just become use to each other. We become complacent and expect the other one knows how we feel. It has to be time spent, actions. You know that phrase actions speak louder than words.

We have to learn to become interested in what our spouses are interested in likewise it has to be that on both sides. Just one idea to spend time together. Build anticipation and enthusiasm. There are countless forms of communication these days. Send them a text an e-mail or something just saying I’m thinking about you etc. Get back to the dating of your mate. We did not date to marry we married to date. Go to the movies, out to dinner make that once or twice a month date night. Make a schedule if you have to so you can be intimate. You need this. Go away for a weekend just you two. Get a baby sitter for them kids. There is nothing wrong with that. There are millions of ways to spend that time together without spending money. After you put the kids to bed curl up on the sofa together and watch a movie. Sacrifice that sleep for the sake of your marriage. Schedule it, schedule it, schedule it, if you have to. I can’t stress enough you have to make time for each other. It’s sad to say a lot of times if you won’t somebody else will. You have to make time in your day like you make time for everything else like your job, talking on the phone or doing something for yourself. Now I know there are some jobs you have to bring your work home sometimes. Not all the time. Leave the work at work. Home is suppose to be your peace. Your place of comfort.

This is not to say we ignore our kids or give any thing less to them because we are there first form of learning and we are helping to mold and shape them to be productive people in society. They need our attention our ears to listen to them our support with things they are going though. They need us. But your spouse needs you to. They also learn from us as to how they should in turn treat there spouses when they grow up by watching our example. The question is what example are you being? Will they learn to be loving or abusive mentally and physically? What type of person will they choose to be with from there examples YOU.

There can be balance for everything. You have to make it work for you. You can’t sit back and say what the other person is or is not doing. You have to do your part. Remember that which you invest in you value more.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The Demands, Frustrations & Guilt of a Working Mommy

There are some things we don’t get to do over in life and one of them is being a parent. If you decide to be a stay at home mom or a working mom is all a personal choice. These days society has made it that you cannot survive if you have a family off a one person income which thus leaves you to put you child in daycare, get a nanny etc and let some one else fill the gap and help raise you child. And that to can be expensive. The question sometimes is can we trust these people that watch and take care of our children? Besides no one can care for our children the way we can. That’s where the frustration comes in. You want to be at home with your child but at the same time you need to money to take care of them. So what do you do? How did they do it back in the day with all those kids and so few resources? Well most of them trusted God to be there provider. He is the source and everything else is a resource. So why can’t we trust it now? Everything is expensive and bottom line we always want bigger, better MORE.

There are a lot of demands on a working mom besides we are the home makers. Our ole was to be home centered first but some how we got off of that. Yes you can have a family and a job and be every woman but you should not give more to your job than you give to your home bottom line. Something always seems to lack and unfortunately its normally home. A job can come and go but your family, and kids will always be there. You go to work, your second job and then come home and then go to your first job and really when you are at work you still are on your first job because being a mom is a 24 hour job. Will they call you and tell you your child is sick, you call and make appointments, you do everything because this child is depending on your for everything. So the demand of home is high, the demand of your job is high, now you getting frustrated. You are snappy at your husband, you become short tempered, and then you ask, when am I going to have time for myself? This becomes one of those Calgon take me away moments. So what do you do? Lets evaluate this.

You will never be that snappy to your boss so why do it to the one you say you love, the closet one to you, your mate and bring all that negativity into your home? Then the negative vibes ware off on your kids and you snap at them and pop them because your patience is just gone. Forget they are on your last nerves, you have no nerves any more. Men will never understand the demands and challenges of being a mom and why because they were not made to fulfill that role which is the same reason why they were not made to carry the children. Were you ever amazed at how we can easily just transition into the role of being a mother? The making bottles, caring for them, making sure they have everything they need, being the chauffer, the on all nurse, the everything, and the joy just comes in when you get that smile form your child or that pat on the leg and they say momma, the hugs or just a laugh uncontrollably when you play with them or chase them. That’s where the guilt comes in. You are so tired from work that you miss out on a lot of this because you don’t have the energy to now come home and play and do homework and cook dinner and get ready to do the same thing tomorrow. You already feel bad you have to go back to work and let some one else raise them and have those moments. You miss the first walk, the fall downs and having some one else tell them its going to be ok and kiss the boo boo and make it feel better. All moments we cannot get back and all moments we think about while we are at work staring at a picture of them or just thinking about what they are doing. And then we wonder how they grow up so fast. Because we missed most of it being at work trying to provide for needs and some greeds and you try to sneak in a sick or a slick day every now and then to try and make up time but once its gone you can never get it back.

So you decide what’s best for you. Only you can make that decision. Will your comforts lack or things just be a little tighter because you decide to stay at home with your child or will you miss out on those little moments because we are always at work. No one can make that decision for you. Or you may be one of the blessed few who can have the best of both worlds both at home working and taking care of your kids. I have been on both sides and eventually you will have to make a choice. I have already made mine. Things will just get a little tighter and maybe God will show me favor and let me have the best of both worlds but until then, my family is my everything and they will always be first. Which one will you choose?

Thursday, October 22, 2009

A New Day!

This is the day that the Lord has made and I am truly going to rejoice and be glad in it. I thank God for allowing me to see another day on this side of the ground. As I look back over my life the song that comes to mind is "I wont complain". It’s easy to complain about stuff & what you don't have or want but I am far more blessed with my health a WONDERFUL HUSBAND three beautiful kids friends a church family and extended family that I would not trade for anything. I look forward to each with all that is has to offer the trials and tribulations I am sure will come but I welcome them because the rest of today or tomorrow is not promised to any of us. So I will not take each day I am given lightly. For life and each day given is a gift and the decisions and choices we make today will affect and effect tomorrow. I'll work harder to be a better wife, mother friend daughter sister cousin person Woman of GOD etc. I'll work harder each day to please GOD and not man.